It's pretty amazing how we can take something from "out there" - a thought, a feeling, a perception - internalize it, manifesting it into a physical, tangible thing.
Emotions, as we know, are based on our thoughts and perceptions - mine are vastly different than most people's - I think :)
I feel things more intensely, more intuitively, than the average person and am very much "in touch" with my body. I also have a great capacity to dissociate, distance and ignore. It's a great tool for pushing beyond boundaries and thresholds. It's also a fantastic method for exploration, and comes in handy as a journalist.
By way of explanation: In early 2015, while hiking, my left foot was damaged by frostbite. My three centering toes became nerve damaged and the flesh suffered from lack of blood flow and oxygen. I imagine this is what a sausage feels like in it's tightening casing when thrown into a frying pan turned on high heat. I wouldn't call it pain, exactly. While xraying my foot, the orthopedic podiatrist discovered several broken bones in my feet that healed crookedly, in a haphazard, unsupported way. Jagged-edged jigsaw puzzle pieces of bone, forced together in an unnatural way. I shrugged my shoulders when he told me. My more pressing concern was the word "amputation." I only had one question ... Would I be able to walk without those toes? A lengthy explanation of unknowns, potential limps, gait-training and the like followed. But would I be able to hike? If not, I told the shocked Doc, my preference was that they amputate the entire foot and fit me with a prosthetic. He called his nurse into the examining room, fearful that I was in shock, had lost my mind, or maybe that I was about to break into a crying fit. I was serious. They set up a surgery for the following week and sent me home with TONS of pain killing, addicting narcotics. I took none of it. I called my acupuncturist and set up an appointment for that afternoon. I believed him when he said he could help me, so I cancelled the surgery and instead undertook a form of electric shock therapy - that regenerated most of the nerves and saved my toes.
I am uninterested in pain or discomfort and am good at ignoring both. I've been ignoring a breathing problem for years. It's a pain-in-the-ass shortness of breath that is brought on by minimal physical exertion - which is absolutely insane since I am pretty healthy and very fit - not just for a woman my age - but generally speaking compared with a large cross-section of the population. I deal with it.
Two weeks ago something odd happened to my heart. It didn't hurt but it did feel like the right side stopped, flipped over, filled up with blood and in an effort to "catch up" the left side started thundering, pushing volumes of blood so rapidly into the left side of my neck and ear that I was deafened. While it did cross my mind that it might be a heart attack, I just marveled at the experience, really paying exquisite attention so I could relay every little detail to the emergency room doctor.
Several hours later I was released from the ER, heart-attack free but with instructions to follow up with a cardiologist. (Getting an appointment with a cardiologist will be the basis of a future book on the failings of our medical system.)
I am now two-weeks post-incident having been to three cardiologist appointments and various hospital visits for blood draws and the like. I've been outfitted with a heart monitor and suffered the consequences of an underwire bra in proximity to electric leads and body tape. It's uncomfortable, inconvenient and NOT inconspicuous.
I've once again turned to acupuncture. My amazing therapist has literally saved my parts - not just my toes, but in another instance a broken spine. He is humble and shrugs off praise, gratitude and appreciation like I shrug off pain.
While in treatment, I encourage him to talk about energy centers and how my fire and water are out of balance. I subscribe to what Americans call "alternative" medicine, but what to me feels like ancient wisdom. I'm an advanced Reiki practitioner and a student of quantum physics. I understand that everything is energy. EVERYTHING. So, there's an imbalance in the energy of my heart.
I've asked the cardiologist what can be done to right the "wrong" or imbalance. He tells me that my insurance won't pay for the fix until the problem becomes worse. Our health insurance and medical system seriously suck. I'm not sure I would go through with the "fix" anyway, simply because it's so invasive and the risks are HUGE. One of them is death. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm in no rush to check out of this lifetime.
Today, I visited my granddaughter - Princess McGraw - and though she is only seven months old, she spoke to me through her mother's huge blue eyes. She is my only child to have gotten that trait from me - blue eyes; and passed that on to her own daughter.
Today while looking into her eyes, I felt as though I was looking into the future AND the past while at the same time looking into a mirror. The eyes are indeed the window to the soul and hers were filled with curiosity, trust, joy and surrender.
Tomorrow, I'll take what I THINK is my final heart test, an echo-cardiogram - or a sonogram of the heart. In addition to the other tests, this will tell if the block is a structural deficiency - a collapsing and weak vein or arterial wall - or a artery blocked by gunk.
In addition to pain and discomfort, I am utterly uninterested in labels and diagnoses.
I'm only interested in solutions. The solution to every "problem" - including this - is to hike (safely) as much as possible and look through the eyes of a baby into the future.
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